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| Maybe it's how her head rests on her hands, or the color of her hair, but this picture reminds me of her when she was sad |
Our break up was expected and we both had prepared for it. If anything it was sad, almost melancholic. Oddly enough, it was also relieving.
Sunday night we had a three hour long discussion on where we were going. Originally we had decided to wean ourselves from each other. A transition period defined by progressively limiting the time we spent together and doing "couples" things.
This transition period did not go well. The rules were broken more often than followed. We acted as if everything was ok, but behind the scenes my girlfriend's heart was being mercilessly crushed and I was emotionally taxed to an extent never experienced before. Finally she confronted me about it. She could do it no longer.
It was tough breaking up. I was hoping to slowly grow apart from our relationship and into a friendship. Having her disappear completely from my life was not something I wanted but it was unfair of me to expect her to easily transition into a friendship. After all, I was leaving her to pursue my dreams, leaving her alone.
Her greatest complaint was that I was not putting "us" before everything else. For the last few months of our relationship I had struggled with this accusation. I knew she was right, that I placed myself and my well being and future ahead of our mutual future, I just did not know why. I went through an existentialist retrospective period where I questioned myself, my actions and my direction in life. The central question though was why am I leaving such an amazing girl? Why would any guy do that?
It took me months to figure out that as a person, I am still figuring myself out. I do not have a complete feeling of "wholeness". It's as if I only know and can explain half of "me", who I am. The other half is still unclear to me. Not knowing myself fully and completely, and not knowing with 100% certainty what it was I wanted to do in life, I could not give my all to someone. I need to concentrate on myself, and be ok with myself before I can be ok with making promises and meaningful commitments to others. In summary, I was more than just hesitant to put all my energy in our relationship when, as a result of me not being "whole", I might change my mind or do things that would undermine our relationship. That was a risk I was not willing to make. The best part, the most relieving part of it was that she understood. She even said she was in a similar phase herself. We both agreed that while I deal with this lack of wholeness by doing radical things, she deals with it by getting more attached to, and depending on, people. We also agreed we should work on how we deal with these things.
We hugged a lot, were sad for a lot of it but still managed to smile and even laugh several times throughout the entire conversation on Wednesday. We agreed on no communication for a week, and then some texts. We'll see what happens. I miss her already and I know she misses me. But this will give us both time to move on with our lives and really get to know ourselves better. I feel like an 18 year old straight out of high school, not knowing what I want to do with my life. I guess we never really know. Eventually we have to decide on a path. For now, I have decided the path I chose is not the right one for me (for now) and I must try all the other paths before I stick to one, or create my own.
It was the best break up I could have ever hoped for. Mutual understanding out of love and respect made our break up peaceful. I feel like we will be friends and that the bridge between us has not been burned. Some day we might get back together. Maybe we will not. Either way, she will always have a very special place in my heart, and I know I will too in hers.
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